


Sobriety Chips and Salsa

by betheflame



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Adoption, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Natasha Romanov, BAMF Pepper Potts, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, It ends happy I promise, M/M, Miscarriage, Steve Rogers Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 09:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20813009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betheflame/pseuds/betheflame
Summary: Sure, they all knew Tony was an alcoholic, but he had itbasicallyunder control, right?Right?Or, the story where he absolutely didn't, but eventually does, and both he and Steve remember the meaning of their vows.





	Sobriety Chips and Salsa

**Author's Note:**

> _deep breath_
> 
> This is _absolutely_ the most emotional story I've ever written - and not just because it's hurt/comfort. Mind the tags, y'all. 
> 
> For the Put on the Suit Discord Hurt/Comfort Bingo - square fill: "No Armor Tony"
> 
> Thanks to [Hogwarts to Alexandria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HogwartsToAlexandria/pseuds/HogwartsToAlexandria) and [Juulna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juulna/pseuds/Juulna) with the A+ betas and to [FestiveFerret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FestiveFerret/pseuds/FestiveFerret) for having the right words at the right time to get me un-stuck.

Even before today, Tony vacillated between shame and self-loathing. He was your basic alcoholic cliche - drank to drown out the voices that drove him to drinking in the first place, the ones that would never truly be silent as long as Tony kept giving them power but he felt powerless to silence them. 

Today, he supposed, those voices had finally won. 

Tony blinked through heavy tears and looked at the email once again.

> _Mr. and Mr. Stark-Rogers - _
> 
> _We regret to inform you that we do not find you to be suitable candidates for adoption at this time. While we commend your endeavors to make your home a child-friendly place, we have grave concerns both about Mr. Tony Stark-Rogers’ behavior and the amount of alcohol we found on the premises. While Mr. Tony Stark-Rogers indicated the bottles were hidden to demonstrate to us how he would hide the alcohol from a child, we must be frank that we believe the hiding places were primarily to hide them from Mr. Steven Stark-Rogers. _
> 
> _It is our frank assessment that the home is not suitable for a child. _
> 
> _Kind regards,  
Forefront Adoption Services_

He reached for the bottle of Glenlivet and unscrewed the cap with a practiced ease. He took four heavy pulls and began an email of his own

_________________________________

“He what now?” Nat blinked at her husband. “He _left?_”

Bucky nodded and threw another pair of socks into the suitcase. 

“And do you know where he went?”

Bucky shook his head as a pair of jeans followed the socks. 

“Babe, what’s the plan here?”

Bucky sighed deeply and looked at his deeply pregnant wife. “Pepper’s on her way here, and I’m going to Steve. Tony says he left because they got rejected for adoption because of Tony’s drinking-”

“- we were worried about that-”

“-and so instead of just, I don’t know, fucking talking to his husband of six goddamn years, he decided to dramatically swan off to protect Steve or some such bullshit, and I really don’t think he can be alone right now and as I’m talking I realize I should have run this all by you,” Bucky finished with a sad smile. 

“Rogers has always been your instinct, babe. That’s what happens when you’ve been doing life together since forever,” Nat said with a quirked eyebrow. “But, yes, I woulda liked a heads up.”

Bucky crossed their bedroom and kissed her. Pressing their foreheads together, he whispered, “I have never heard Steve make the noise he made on the phone just now. It erased everything else, I’m sorry.”

‘Well, now I’m scared,” Nat replied calmly. “Tell me everything.”

“They got the email from the adoption people back after their home-study, which, basically, they failed,” Bucky took a seat on the bed and Nat arranged herself into a position that allowed her to both lay next to him and not experience the sudden and overwhelming heartburn that the pregnancy was making her suffer through almost constantly. “The service said their house wasn’t a safe place for a child due to the fact that Tony’s, you know -”

“A highly charming and functional alcoholic who none of us are sure how he hasn’t gone into liver failure?”

“Exactly.”

“I thought Steve had brought that up with him? That it was a risk.”

Bucky grimaced. “He chickened out.”

Nat was quiet for a few moments. “So, they got the email and Tony took off?”

“He sent Steve an email, saying that the house was paid off, and he’d set up a trust for Steve’s future kids, and that he was sorry for ruining Steve’s dreams, and that he was heading out to get sober but didn’t want to hold Steve back in the meantime.”

“Jesus Christ, what a drama queen,” Nat swore. “Does he not know his husband at all?”

“So now Steve’s shattered in about seventeen thousand pieces, which I think may be a conservative estimate, and Rhodey’s tracking Tony down.”

Nat blew her bangs out of her face. “Okay, so I’m fine - it’s not like I haven’t done this before, so if Pepper’s here to help with Maddie, I’ll be fine. It does sound like Steve shouldn’t be alone right now so you made the right call to put this all in play. Plus, it’s not like you’re heading to the Outer Hebrides or something - they live twenty minutes away. Go, be family for him. We're goo here.”

Bucky nodded, kissed her, and hefted himself off of the bed, leaving Nat to a nap and went to let Maddison know he was heading to Uncle Steve and Uncle Tony’s for a few days. 

“Are they okay?” his deeply sensitive four-year-old daughter asked. 

“You know Uncle Tony,” Bucky responded. “He worked a bit too long in his workshop and Uncle Steve needs some help taking care of him.”

“Oh, I’m good at taking care of Uncle Tony!” Maddison responded. 

“Not this time, kiddo,” Bucky said gently. “This time I need you to stay here and take care of Mommy. Auntie Pep is on her way to help you, but you are on Mommy duty.”

She saluted solemnly - Maddison loved nothing more than a job she could eventually get praise for - and gave Bucky a quick hug. “Okay, Daddy, see you soon! And bring Uncle Tony over with you when he’s better so I can tell him to stop being silly.”

“Will do, baby girl,” Bucky smiled. “Will do.” He kissed her on the forehead and headed to the living room to wait for Pepper.

_________________________________

Steve wiped his mouth and sat back on his heels, finally able to pull away from the toilet, even if just a little. He hadn’t been able to stop retching all day, and this last bout had been going on for more than twenty minutes.

He had known the minute the home-study worker left their house that they weren’t going to get approved. Tony wasn’t completely inebriated, not like he could be, but he was certainly tipsy. His eyes had been wild and his hair a bit mussed and while that’s also how he looked whenever he emerged from the workshop, his breath smelled like whisky and his hands were a bit shaky. 

_“So, what do you two do for a living?” the social worker, Felicia, had asked with a politely-fixed smile. _

_“Well,” Steve started, smiled nervously, “I’m a teacher at Rappaport Academy on 8th. High school history.”_

_“And I,” Steve heard the pause Tony often used to keep the slur out of his voice, “am a freelance engineer.”_

_Felicia smiled. “I see that you started your own business when you were 18, Tony.”_

_Tony nodded. “My then-girlfriend, Pepper, and I started Stark & Potts together. She’s the CEO now - makes all the important decisions and I just build things.”_

_Felicia made a few scribbles on her paper and Steve reached over to grasp Tony’s hand - which was clammy. _

_Not good._

Steve should have known then that it was going to disintegrate. That Tony would talk too fast to cover the slurs in his hard consonants, that he’d lean just a little too close for the hyper-sensitive social worker to not catch the odor of his breath, that his tiny stumbles that can often be attributed to the fact that they live in an old, but lovingly restored, brownstone with uneven floors would only complete the puzzle the social worker was trying to piece together. 

Thus, he should have known. 

He probably also should have known Tony would overreact in the wake of the visit and the inevitable rejection. The nail on the coffin, essentially. 

And yet - when he checked his email after school - he was still shocked by what he read:

> _Steve - _
> 
> _I have been afraid since I met you that I would ruin your life and now I have. I’m disgusted with myself and I’m so sorry. I will never, ever be able to make up for the dreams I just killed. _
> 
> _I’m taking off now to get sober. I cashed out some of my S&P stock options to pay off the house so you can stay forever. And I’ll pay for whatever treatment I need out of that, so that you can keep saving for kids in the joint account - I’m not touching that, that’s all yours now. You need to be a father, Steven. You do. _
> 
> _I love you so much and I’ll never stop being sorry. _
> 
> _Hopefully by the time I get my act together, you’ll have forgiven me and I can come back home. _
> 
> _I love you,  
Tony _

In a complete fog, he’d forwarded the email to Bucky, who had responded immediately that he was on his way.

Which, _thank fuck_, because Steve wasn’t even sure what day it was anymore, much less how to function as an adult. He mustered enough focus to email the school and say he had a family emergency and would be out for the rest of the week. Steve deeply hoped the lesson plans he’d provided made sense, but at the same time he gave zero fucks about anything other than his life crumbling around him. 

Steve Rogers had been in love with Tony Stark for his entire adult life - which he could say with confidence since they met at Steve and Bucky’s joint 18th birthday party. They’d dated for the subsequent five years and got married when Steve was 23 and Tony was 27. The drinking had been a… a thing in Tony’s life but hadn’t become a problem until around his 30th birthday. For some reason, things shifted from a few too many at parties _sometimes_, which was manageable, to a few too many some _nights_, to a few too many _most nights_, and so on and so forth until Steve forgot what it was like to live without empty bottles filling their recycling bin. 

And now, here they were, two months shy of their seventh anniversary - and instead of the small gifts he’d intended to send every week in the lead up to the date, he was sending Rhodey to make sure his husband was even alive, much less in his right mind. 

Steve felt his phone vibrate. Speaking of…

_Rhodey: I found him. _

_Rhodey: A residential treatment center in Montana. Why the fool thinks he’s going to stay sober in the midst of a bunch of fucking cowboys is beyond me. But Montana. He’s safe. 45 day program with option to stay for 90. _

_Steve: Thanks, Rhodey. Do they have visitors? _

_Rhodey: After 15 days, yes. I put you on the list. _

_Rhodey: I’ll come too, Steve. Not going to make you do that alone._

Steve let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. 

_Steve: Thanks, Rhodey. That would be great._

_________________________________

The family visit on day 18 of Tony’s stint in Montana was the last time Steve flew to one of Tony’s rehabs.

It was just too fucking painful when Tony refused to accept the visit.

_________________________________

_Rhodey: I wish I knew, man. _

_Bucky: Why won’t he just let Steve see him? I just don’t get it. He’ll let the rest of us come. _

_Pepper: Because none of us made vows. _

_Bucky: English please. _

_Pepper: All of us, we walk away and he can justify it that we’re just like everyone else. We’re like his parents or his other exes, but Steve made vows. He’s convinced that if Steve saw how pathetic he is, Steve would walk, and then Tony would lose all tethers to reality. _

_Bucky: Does he understand how incredibly wrong and fucked up that is?_

_Pepper: No, but I’m certainly hoping one of these fancy facilities will help him realize. _

_Nat: So this is rehab #3, right? That other one was a halfway house? _

_Rhodey: Correct. He relapsed two days after Montana, and then tried Betty Ford because he’s Howard’s son, and then went to the halfway house they recommended, but he only lasted about three weeks there. So now it’s a 90 day min residential in Florida. _

_Nat: He hates Florida. _

_Rhodey: All the more reason for him to work the program diligently and get the fuck home._

_________________________________

The envelope that arrived three months after Tony left had something in it and Steve prayed it wasn’t Tony’s wedding ring.

He shook out the small disk.

> _Babe - _
> 
> _My first 30 day chip. _
> 
> _I’m working my way home._
> 
> _T_

Steve felt the tears rush to his eyes and reached for the chip.

_________________________________

_Time Elapsed Since Tony Left: 11 Months._

“Do you get anything from him besides the chips? Like updates? Or notes? I thought you did in the beginning.” Bucky took a long pull of his beer bottle as he and Steve watched Pepper and Carol dance their first dance. 

Steve shrugged. “Sometimes the chips come with post-it notes, sometimes they come with long letters. Whenever he has to start over, they come with notes about working the steps. I send stuff every time I have an address, and Rhodey takes piles of letters for me whenever he tracks him down. I told him in the last one you guys were pregnant again. Not that he’s even met Eddie yet, but I told him.”

“So, the answer is yes, and you’re downplaying it,” Bucky supplied. “Why?”

Steve gestured subtly to the dancing brides. “Because that was supposed to be my story and instead, I opened divorce papers this morning with a note that said if he couldn’t manage to make it to Pepper’s wedding, he didn’t deserve me waiting for him.”

“Jesus Christ, you married a dramatic martyr,” Bucky swore. 

“Honestly, I feel like a military spouse,” Steve responded. “He’s gone off to war and left me to keep the homefires burning. And I didn’t fucking sign up for this, but it’s not like I’m going to leave him while he’s in the midst of battle, right?”

Bucky leveled his brother, in all but blood, with a stern look. “But, Stevie, the difference is that he sent himself away to fight it. He could be fighting this one at home, with you.”

Steve’s jaw tightened and he didn’t blink as he responded, “You tellin’ me to sign the papers, Buck?”

Bucky was silent for a moment before he sighed. “I have no idea what I’m telling you, other than this is fucking shit.”

“Truer words, pal. Truer words.”

_________________________________

_Time Elapsed: 1 year and 3 months_

“WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD,” Bucky screamed at the doctor, who launched into an explanation that did little to assuage Bucky’s fears as Steve and Bruce tried to hold him upright. 

“Does Pepper have Maddie and Eddie?” Bruce muttered to Steve, who nodded swiftly. 

“Bucky, you need to let him go take care of Nat,” Steve said. “When they know more, they’ll tell us.”

Nat had just hit 18 weeks with her and Bucky’s third when she woke up in the middle of the night with severe cramping and blood on their sheets. As their family gathered at the hospital, Steve felt Tony’s absence fiercer than he had in a long while. 

Thankful that the facility he was at for round… God, Steve had lost track… had email, he fired one off quickly.

> _To: pt994142@monitor.net  
From: sgrs@stark.net_
> 
> _Sweetheart - _
> 
> _Nat lost the baby. We might lose her. Which you know means Buck isn’t gonna function. So, come home, please. Whatever is happening, we can do this better together than you can alone. We might need to be dads and I can’t do that without you. _
> 
> _I love you,  
S_

The reply greeted Steve the next morning, shortly after the news that Nat was stable after a rupture in her uterine lining did its damage.

> _Babe -_
> 
> _It really is probably best if you sign those papers, honey. I know you say you don’t want to, but I really think you need to, especially if you have to raise the kids. _
> 
> _Tell Nat and Buck I love them. I wired some money to the hospital as a thank you for taking care of her. _
> 
> _I love you, _
> 
> _T_

“Well, that backfired spectacularly,” Steve muttered to himself, pocketed his phone, and went to go fix breakfast for his niece and nephew.

_________________________________

_Time Elapsed: 1 year and 10 months_

Steve barked out a dry laugh. Tony had made it four months and twenty-three days - his longest stretch that year - and Steve had been hopeful when the FedEx envelope arrived with Tony’s name in the return address. He should have known that hope was a fickle bitch. 

Instead of another sobriety chip, the divorce papers slid out when Steve shook the envelope. He bit back tears and grabbed his phone. 

_Steve: I’m not signing anything, Tony. I told you that the last two times you sent me papers. I’m not signing them._

It took about two days for Tony to respond, which Steve feared meant his husband had occupied his time with his friends Jack and Jim. 

_Tony: I’m not coming home, Steve. I just want to set you free. _

_Steve: I’m not trapped. I love you, I want you to come home. _

_Tony: I’ll come home when I’m worthy of you._

Steve screamed so loudly he surprised Polly and Pocket, who scampered over to their dad to see what the fuss was about. 

A gift from Bucky and Nat on his and Tony’s most recent anniversary, the two boxer rescues had been Maddie’s responsibility to name. 

_“Oh, that’s easy! Polly and Pocket,” the girl declared. _

_“Why’s that, honey?” Steve was confused. _

_“Because my Polly Pocket was what Uncle Tony gave me when he went traveling and he told me to take care of her and keep her safe. That package he sent from cowboy camp? Now you and me both have things to keep safe until he comes back home,” Maddie replied with an assurance that knocked the breath out of Steve’s lungs. _

_“They’re good names, Maddie.” Steve swallowed the tears before they could spill. “Great names.”_

“Sorry, girls,” Steve said. “Your other dad is being a ridiculous mess.”

_Steve: You have always been fucking worthy. You have always been enough. I chose you when I was 18 goddamn years old, Anthony, and I’m not making another choice any time soon. _

_Tony: Steve, please just sign the papers and find someone worthy of you._

_Steve: You want me to sign these so fucking badly, you come here with the pen._

He threw his phone across the room, which startled the pups once again. 

“He forgets,” Steve said to the pups, “that if he is a rock, I am a hard place. I take his stubborn and raise him hereditary Irishness. He can send those papers all he fucking wants, but if he really wants a divorce, he can come and get one in person.”

_________________________________

_Time Elapsed: 1 year, 11 months, and 14 days_

Sporadically throughout those dark days, their friends had gone to fetch Tony wherever he was in the world at whatever point he called them. Steve never went - not after the first disaster in Montana - but he was grateful their family kept trying. Rhodey participated in their song and dance routine most often, but everyone else picked up the slack, too. Sam flew to Ottawa, T’Challa to Venice, Clint to Cartagena - all to drag him out of some bar and throw him into a 30-day program everyone was sure wouldn’t work, but which they couldn’t manage to give up hope on. 

Bucky spent two weeks with Tony at an ashram in Hyderabad during one sobriety stint they all prayed would last. Bruce and Thor took him fishing in Geiranger, Norway - which caused Steve no end of amusement because if his husband was willing to go fishing, then maybe he really had changed - after a particularly terrible binge had nearly landed Tony in jail in Maine. (“Brucey bear, you gotta come get me. I’m at rock bottom.”) (Spoiler alert: Tony was not yet at rock bottom.)

At some point in each trip, they’d hand Tony a plane ticket back to Steve and he’d shake his head ‘no’. The men, cowards all, left it at that. 

Nat and Pepper did not. 

As year three of this nonsense - as Pepper called it - dawned, the women decided that enough was enough. Addiction was a terrible, vicious disease - of course it was. But how did Tony think it made any kind of sense that he could possibly get sober or stay sober away from the people in his life who supported and cared for him? Alcoholism might be a disease of isolation, but sobriety was a triumph of community. 

Besides, Tony had just mailed Steve an eight month chip. It was time. 

“So where are you going?” Steve peered at his friends. Exhaustion didn’t even scratch the surface of what he felt anymore and, if he was completely honest, the only thing keeping him from signing the papers was stubbornness. 

The women exchanged quick glances. 

“We’re not actually going to tell you,” Pepper replied. “We have our reasons.”

“I just can’t ask you to do this,” Steve sighed.

“Well, how lucky for you that you didn’t ask.” Nat smiled sadly. “He’s our family, too, and he’s being a stubborn idiot and I’m over him messing up our lives because he’s decided he’s a monster. We’re going to bring him home even if I have to tranq him to do it.”

“She stole a syringe from work,” Pepper supplied. 

“I’m also bringing a secret weapon,” Nat nodded to the sleeping toddler in Pepper’s arms. “It’s time for him to meet his godson.”

Steve’s eyes welled up at that. “I miss him so much. I don’t even know him any more, but I miss him so much.”

Pepper kissed his forehead and drew him to her in a hug, squishing Eddie between them. “We’ll be back as fast as we can, dear one. I promise.”

_________________________________

They found him - as they had so many times before - in the bar at the Four Seasons near Tony and Steve’s house. He had known they were coming, Nat had given him an ultimatum he was loathe to ignore.

He just hadn’t quite believed they would follow through. _It’s Nat and Pepper_, he snorted internally, _I should have known they never give up._

The pair of them had found him in bars many times before. In a new and different twist, he was sober. 

“Missus Barnes and Potts-Danvers, it’s been a while,” Tony’s tone was biting and sardonic as he took a long sip of club soda. 

“Well, I did send you that wedding invite,” Pepper said calmly. 

“I believe I was under court order to not leave the country of Argentina at that point,” Tony replied, still not turning around. 

“I believe that’s bullshit and you were scared to come,” Pepper replied. “But our business can be tabled. We’re here because we have someone for you to meet and we are tired of waiting.”

Tony turned slowly and noticed the child on Natasha’s hip. 

“Tony,” Nat said softly. “I’d like to introduce you to Edward Grant Barnes.”

Tony blinked rapidly and opened, then closed, his mouth several times. “I didn’t think you’d let me near the kid this quick.” 

Nat took that statement in stride, but did not respond. Instead, she asked a question he had longed to hear since Steve had first texted him a picture of the boy. “Do you want to hold your godson, Tony?” 

Tony nodded, eyes widening in wonder as he held out his arms to gather the 18-month-old to himself. With curious fingers, Eddie explored Tony’s face and Tony could not take his eyes off of the child. 

“You have missed so much, Tony,” Natasha whispered. “Thank you for all the flowers and gifts and notes and phone calls, but you have still missed so much. This half-life you’ve been forcing us all to live is not fair. It’s not fair to Steve, it’s not fair to you, but honestly, today, I want to talk about how it’s not fair to us.”

Tony’s eyes snapped from Eddie back to her and Pepper, a look of confusion clouding them. 

Pepper reached out her hand and gestured to couches in the back corner of the bar. “Let’s go there. This conversation is not for barstools.”

And so the three - well, four - of them gathered in a corner and Nat asked for a pitcher of water and to not be disturbed. 

“You are an expert at _being_ an addict, Anthony,” Pepper said plainly, as soon as the water had been delivered and they were left to themselves. Her voice was measured, but Tony could hear the slight waver. “You have no idea what it’s like to _love one_. You don’t know what it’s like to be afraid of a phone ringing because it could be the cops telling us they found a body, or to calculate family plans and wonder if you’re going to be around. You don’t know what it feels like to want to help so badly your arms ache with it, but the only help that will do any good is when it’s asked for - and it never is.”

Tony blinked a few times, realizing his vision was completely clouded with tears, but his hands were full of Eddie so he let the tears spill over. Her words felt like daggers into his soul, but he had earned every single one. She was right - he didn’t know their lives. 

“I know you’re ready to come home, Anthony, you’ve been in that rental down the street for five months. Steve has no idea, he doesn’t know you’re this close and still not taking the last steps but we do. We know. And now we want to know _why_. We deserve to know why,” Pepper concluded and took a shaky breath. 

“I can’t be away from any of you anymore, but I can’t go home until I’m sure I won’t hurt you,” Tony replied. 

“Bullshit, Stark,” Nat replied. “You’re just scared.” 

“Of course I’m scared,” Tony snarled. The shift in tone startled Eddie and he squirmed away from Tony and back into his mother’s arms as Tony looked on, angry at himself for scaring Eddie. Nat set the boy up quietly with a video on her phone as Tony tried to control his breathing. Finally, he continued, “I’m _petrified_. I ruined Steve’s dream! I’m an addict, ladies, and I always will be one. I’ll fuck up his life again, I’ll hurt you all again, I’ll do it and it will be horrible and you all deserve more.”

“Fuck off, Tony, I get to decide what I deserve, not you.” Pepper wiped her eyes with a fury he wasn’t quite prepared for. “This whole martyr routine is so fucking tiring and I am over it. You do not get to decide what we sign up for in terms of loving you - we do. When you’re too much for us, we’ll tell you. You made the decision for all of us and fuck you for that. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. We made that deal when I came out to you at, what, 22? You always think of promises broken when you were drunk, but I’m more interested in the ones you haven’t worked to keep since you started getting sober. You cannot use your addiction as an excuse for missing that promise, let alone many of the others you’ve broken over the years.”

“Pepper, I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t meet her gaze, and instead looked down at the way his hands were twisting together in his lap, so hard it was almost too painful.

“We know!” Pepper hissed. “We know you’re sorry, _we know you_, you idiot. We know that when you’re in your own power you would never hurt us. None of us are interested in keeping a long list of things for you to repent from - there are families that need that, but not us. You have ruined no one’s life, not even Steve’s, to where it can't be repaired, and we want Sober Tony to be part of our futures and we will continue to do everything we can to wrestle Addict Tony to the ground. Do you want our help?”

Tony blinked a few times and let himself be distracted by staring at Eddie. “We wanted one of those so badly. We’d started to build our whole lives around the idea that we could be Dad and Pops - rooms were redecorated, Steve started thinking about writing instead of teaching so he could be home more, we were ready. And I panicked. But what I’ve learned over the last few years is that I’m allowed to panic… I just need better coping mechanisms.”

“When you have a bad day,” Pepper responded, choosing her words carefully, “you drink a bottle of whiskey. When I have a bad day, I take a shower and go to bed early. So, yes, I’d agree.”

Tony snorted out a laugh at her analogy. “I actually love a good bubble bath now,” he admitted ruefully.

“Then I’m sure Steve will buy you an entire Lush franchise to keep you in suds,” Nat smiled. She reached for him and took his hands in hers. “I have a hunch that getting sober has not been your problem. Steve certainly has a collection of chips, but _staying_ sober has been your problem and I think that’s because you keep trying to do it alone. Doing it alone isn’t power, friend, it’s your downfall, and it’s a lie. You’re never alone.”

He hunched over, blown away by the powerful simplicity of her statement, pressing his forehead to their grasped hands and he let the tears wash over their skin like an ablution. And perhaps it was. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow - as the song goes - are really all he could ask for and both were sitting right in front of him. He just had to be brave enough to take the risk that they weren’t lying. 

Pepper had moved to be near him at some point, because he felt her circle his back and begin to whisper into his ear how much she loved him, how they all chose him, and how loved he was. She spoke the names of his family like an incantation - _Clint loves you, Sam chooses you, Carol is proud of you, T’Challa wants you to come home_ \- and he had no idea how long the three of them sat there. 

Finally, he released a long breath and straightened his body. “Okay,” he said. “I want to go home.”

_________________________________

Steve stared at his phone.

_Nat: Are you free for him to come over for a talk?_

“Am I free - Jesus Christ, what a question,” Steve muttered out loud. 

_Steve: Like I wouldn’t fucking reschedule anything. Of course I’m free. How long?_

_Nat: We’re about 10 minutes out._

Steve sent back a thumbs up and corralled the dogs into the master bedroom. He’d learned that they were really protective and if he cried and they thought Tony was a threat - well, that wasn’t the kind of introduction he was hoping for. He didn’t even know what he was hoping for, anyway -

_Focus on tasks, Rogers, one foot in front of the other, hand on door knob. Focus on facts, not feelings._ He had absolutely no idea how to feel, though. None whatsoever. 

Either an eternity or a heartbeat later - Steve wasn’t really sure, but it was one year, eleven months, and fourteen days too late - he heard the front door open. Footsteps he’d know anywhere sounded through the foyer and Steve was pulled towards them. 

“Hi honey,” Tony said weakly. “I’m home.”

Steve’s eyes roved over his husband. The waxy look of his skin was gone, as was the bloated look around his face and hands. Tony was wearing his body the way he used to - he carried it as he moved, instead of trudging it along with him. That was something Steve had noticed towards the end - how Drunk Tony moved versus his Tony. This man in their home, this was his Tony. And oh, what that did to him. 

“Hi baby, am I getting chips or papers?”

“That sounds like chips and salsa,” Tony quipped, his eyes wandering around the room, not quite meeting Steve’s eyes, but that was okay, at least for the moment. 

“Where are Nat and Pep?” Steve took a step towards Tony. 

“I have no idea,” Tony’s chuckle scraped out of his throat, a sad sound Steve wasn’t used to. “I stopped listening as soon as they said I could come here.”

“Tony, you could always come here. You’ve been keeping yourself away,” Steve closed the distance between them until the bare inches between them felt charged. “Can I hug you?”

Tony’s eyes snapped to Steve’s at the question and Steve could tell he was calculating the risk. _Good. His brain is back to whirring so fast I can hear it._

“I’m not sure I’m worth it yet, but I’m trying to believe,” Tony whispered, and Steve’s heart ached as he heard the uncertainty laced with hope. “And if I touch you, I’m never letting you go again, so I need to _know_, I need to _hear you say_ that you’re okay with this.”

“Anthony.” Steve put his hand on Tony’s cheek, cradling his husband’s face with tenderness. “Edward. Stark.” He waited until he had Tony’s full attention, eyes flitting across his face until he met and held Steve’s gaze. “I am okay with whatever except for you believing I don’t want to be a part of your sobriety as much as you’ve made me part of your addiction. We made _vows_, Tony, and we meant them. Sickness and health. ‘And’. Not ‘or’. ‘And’. I, Steven Grant Rogers, take you, Anthony Edward Stark, in sickness and in health, in pain and joy, in sobriety and relapse.”

“I might again,” Tony whispered, his eyes closing against Steve’s touch. 

“Maybe,” Steve whispered back. “But that’s why I said ‘and’.”

Tony hiccuped a sob at that point, and Steve pulled him close. “Put your arms around me, Tony,” Steve whispered, “and feel my promise. We will figure this out together. ‘And’, not ‘or’.”

When Tony’s arms circled around Steve, he took the opportunity to lead them over to the couch. They cried together for a while, and Tony apologized several more times before Steve kissed him to shut him up.

“I,” Steve breathed out, pulling away from the kiss before it could go any further, any deeper - either for their bodies or their souls. “I’m not ready for more than that.”

Tony nodded, and Steve was glad to hear the understanding in his voice. “I wouldn’t expect you to be.”

“I mean, as my students would say, horny on main, so it’s not that I don’t want to since you are finally here, but we have some decisions to make,” Steve said with a soft smile playing on his lips. 

“Horny on - I don’t even know what that means,” Tony shook his head. “But before we go any further, I have these.” He dug in his pocket and handed Steve a pile of chips. “Eight months and seven days.”

Steve looked up at Tony with adoration shining through his eyes. “Tony, that is so long, I am so proud.”

“I’m so scared,” Tony whispered. 

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m petrified,” Steve replied gently, playing with the chips in his hands and marveling at them. 

“Well, then -”

“If you finish that with ‘I should go’, I’m probably just going to kill you,” Steve laughed. “But we’ll do whatever you need to keep walking this path. We’ll hire a fucking sober companion if you want! I don’t care how we make this work, but when you walked out that door you took me with you and I have been a ghost here. A ghost who is tired of doing this, Tony.”

“Pat, that therapist I told you about in Chile, she said something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about,” Tony picked at a thread on the blanket. “She said that I was fooling myself if I thought I could stay sober on my own. Once we figured out why I was drinking - and aren’t I proud to be another product of a terrible childhood, like a fucking walking Lifetime movie cliche - it became about coping mechanisms.”

Steve stayed quiet, but took Tony’s hand in his and laced their fingers together. 

“I’m scared to be a dad,” Tony whispered. “And instead of telling you that, instead of telling you all the other things I’m scared of and overwhelmed about, I drank. And I can’t do that anymore, I know that now, and I have some really strong strategies for coping and all of that, but what I’ve learned the most is that I have to be honest with me and with you. So.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not sure I can be a good dad.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Steve spoke slowly, thinking of every piece of trauma training he’d ever had to sit through at school about having hard conversations with scared children. “I’m sure you’re wrong, I’m sure you’re going to be incredible, because in all of my years of working with children, I’ve learned that the only things that parents do that we can’t fix or overcome is not loving their kids. And you, my handsome, heroic, brilliant, husband, are going to love our children to distraction. Everything else? We’ll save for therapy.”

Tony choked out a laugh. “How can you be so sure? So casual?”

“Well, because I believe in us,” Steve said. “But I also think we need to get to know each other again, so let’s hit pause on the dad things for a bit, okay?”

Tony nodded. “‘And’, not ‘or’.”

“‘And’, not ‘or’, my love, for as long as we both shall live.”

_________________________________

_Eight Months Later_

“Tony.”

“It’s not a lot, Steve!”

“Tony,” Steve’s eyebrow was raised and his voice was firm. 

“It’s completely normal to have a quad shot coffee,” Tony protested. 

Steve looked over at their favorite barista, Peter, who held up his hands. “I am not getting in the middle of this, Misters Stark-Rogers.”

“The kid agrees with me.”

“The kid just said he’s Switzerland,” Steve replied. 

The two men locked eyes for a minute. 

“One shot,” Steve countered. 

“Three,” Tony negotiated. 

“Two, final offer,” Steve said and firmly handed Peter his credit card. 

Tony smiled at Peter. “It’s what I really wanted anyway. But isn’t he so cute when he’s grumpy at me?”

Steve rolled his eyes as Peter called out the drink order. Once their beverages were retrieved, they called out a goodbye and went to retrieve Polly and Pocket from where they were tied up outside. 

Routine, the pair had learned, was essential to their process of rebuilding. Not only did it help Tony keep some of his loudest demons quieter, it helped them establish who they were now instead of trying to cling to who they were before. 

_“You are different people now, after this,” Sam had explained, with his trademark patience for being the psuedo-therapist to all his friends. “It was a really, really traumatic experience, for both of you, and as Tony rebuilds who he is without alcohol, you both have to rebuild who you are together without that third party in your marriage.”_

So Sunday mornings were for walks with the girls (weather permitting) with stops at Peter’s coffee shop (not actually his, but he’d been one of Steve’s favorite students) and the dog park (where Polly always flirted with a rescued lab named Major and Pocket did her best not to act hurt). Steve would bring whatever book he was reading and Tony would buy a newspaper - no phones on Sunday mornings - and they’d just be together. 

For Tony, it was a weekly miracle. 

For Steve, it was what kept him together on the nights he woke up in a blind panic from a nightmare where Tony was dead in an alley. 

They took their seats on their usual bench at the dog park and unclipped both Polly and Pocket from their leashes. Major and his dad, Dustin, weren’t there yet, but a few other friends were. The girls took off like shots to run out some of their energy and their dads settled into their spots. 

Tony reached for Steve’s hand and laced their fingers together. “Does the caffeine make you nervous?”

“Yes,” Steve replied, running his thumb over Tony’s thumbnail. 

“Because?”

“Because I’m worried you’re replacing one addiction for another and then I think I’m probably overreacting and then I worry I’m not being supportive.”

“You do that cycle every time we go see Peter?”

Steve nodded, hesitating slightly before doing so. “‘And’ not ‘or’, right? This is my ‘and’ right now.”

Tony nodded. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Steve said quickly. “No - I do want you to learn to moderate, but that’s our watchword for everything, right? No, if you stopped drinking coffee altogether then I really would think you were a pod person.”

Tony laughed and leaned in to kiss his husband. “Todd tells me all the time how impressed he is with you, that not all spouses are this committed to the journey.”

“Well, tell your therapist thank you, but I don’t know how else to be,” Steve shrugged. “I’ve never been the kind of guy to break a vow.”

“That’s what Bucky told me when we met,” Tony replied. “You were an end-of-the-line, womb-to-tomb kinda guy. And if you or I ever broke, it would be my fault because you’d never leave me.”

There was a slight quaver in Tony’s voice and Steve grabbed his chin to turn their faces together. “Hey, that was just my best pal giving my best fella a shovel talk, that’s all. Buck and I were basically still kids when you and I met, that’s all that was.”

Tony nodded and took three quick breaths. “I love you,” he whispered and pressed a kiss to Steve’s lips.

“‘And’ not ‘or’,” Steve murmured into the kiss.

_________________________________

_Bucky: Okay, here’s the schedule._

Carol looked at her phone and yelled to her wife. “Pep! Check your phone, Buck’s got the schedule.”

“Oh good,” Pepper called from their bedroom. “God, I’m so excited.”

“Me too,” Carol smiled and turned back to her phone. 

_Bucky: We all decided with the social worker that Maddie and Eddie should be part of the first round of welcoming committee since the ages are so close. Tony and Steve are scheduled to get home at 3pm, and so our family will get there around 4. _

_Nat: Tony and Steve will get home WITH THEIR KIDS. _

_Nat: Sorry, you FORGOT TO SAY THAT VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL. _

_Bucky: Yes, buttercup. Apologies. _

_Bucky: Steve, Tony, Harper, and Chase will all arrive at 3pm. We’ll get there at 4. Carol and Pep, you’re next at 7, then the rest of you can either come at 7:30, just as the boys are going to head to bed so it’s quick, or tomorrow if you want more time. The plan is for them to come to ours and play in the garden for a bit - Maddie is already organizing games, which should surprise none of you._

_Carol: Takes after her Auntie Pep. _

_Pepper: I love you, too, honey._

Carol chuckled as she watched the messages from their family all pour in. T’Challa and Thor both said they’d bring their families by the next day, but Clint said he’d swing by quickly tonight since he was heading out of town on a work trip. 

It had taken two years after Tony came home before the couple worked up the courage to start the adoption process over again. There had been several emotional strategy sessions with their therapists, and even more with the wider family. Then, even after they were ready, they waited another thirteen months and sixteen days before they got “the call”. 

A pair of brothers, Harper and Chase, lost their parents in a car accident. Ages 8 and 5 respectively, they had no other remaining family and the agency was loathe to separate them. How fortuitous, then, that Tony and Steve had long ago agreed to adopt older children and that multiples were okay. 

_“Most folks want babies,” Carol had said to them. _

_“Most folks don’t know what it’s like to feel unwanted,” Tony had replied calmly, and Carol had felt her heart grow a few sizes. For all his bluster and sarcasm and in-your-face personality, Tony Stark was one of the best men she knew. _

_“We figure we’re pretty good candidates for kids who feel broken,” Steve had replied. “Plus, we come with this huge extended family, so the kids will never have to feel alone again.”_

_“We do love collecting strays,” Pepper affirmed, curling into her wife, who was once one of those aforementioned strays._

Pepper emerged from their room with a small pout on her face, the sight of which drew Carol out of her recollections because it was just so cute. “How the fuck am I supposed to wait five more hours?”

Carol cocked an eyebrow and smoothly pulled her shirt over her head before murmuring invitingly, “I’m sure we can think of something.”

_________________________________

“They’re ours,” Steve whispered later that night when he and Tony were in bed.

“Legally and everything,” Tony whispered back. 

The boys had done really well in their new home. It helped, of course, that they’d been there before. They had been about one month into their allotted stint of three months in temporary care when Steve and Tony had been brought into their lives, which allowed for several visits and even a few overnight stays before the guardianship was finalized. 

“Checking in,” Steve said as he turned on his side to look at Tony. 

“Sacred, but appropriately so,” Tony confessed. “I was afraid that when the judge said they were ours, I’d mentally reach for a flask, but I didn’t.”

“Good,” Steve smiled and kissed deeply. “Good.”

“It helps that they look like you,” Tony confessed. “The blond hair and the fair skin. It tripped something in me, I think.”

“I think something would have tripped in you if they were dinosaurs and the judge said they were ours, but okay,” Steve chuckled. 

Tony let out a little huff in amusement but carried on with his worrying, “Do you think they did okay?”

“I think they were really fucking overwhelmed,” Steve responded. “But I’m glad you told them it was okay to be that way. Chase really bonded with Bucky, though.”

“And I think Harper will warm up, but 8 is hard,” Tony replied. 

“And the case notes that Amanda gave us say he feels really responsible for Chase, like man-of-the-house level, so maybe as Chase trusts us, Harper will too.”

“I mean, it’s all so fast,” Tony said. “Normally they’d foster with us for, what, a year? That’s what’s usually recommended. This must feel like a real whirlwind.”

“All we are are guardians,” Steve reminded him. “And Harper chose us for the both of them. He said the times we spent together felt normal, remember that. He chose us. They may never want to be ours, fully, but he chose us.”

“And man, do we choose them,” Tony’s voice caught. 

“The vow just expanded,” Steve whispered. “They’re part of the ‘and’ now.”

“‘And’ not ‘or’, for as long as we all shall live,” Tony replied and when Steve repeated it, Tony rested in the renewed covenant, the vow he chose to keep every day, the one that kept his better angels in battle against his loudest demons. 

He was worthy of ‘and,’ and what a miracle that he actually believed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, dear one. 
> 
> A few quick notes: 
> 
> If you see yourself in this story, you are not alone. If you love someone who is an addict - either active or in recovery, you are not alone. If you are an addict - either active or in recovery, you are not alone. There is so much help. If you don't know anyone else to talk to, find me on Tumblr, Twitter, or Discord and I'll help you find someone. 
> 
> If you are about to leave a comment that tells me how I did something wrong in this fic, I need to kindly ask you to think again. I know these conversations work because they have, I know these points of views are valid because I love people with them, and I know that hope is a tangible entity because it is how I get out of bed each morning. 
> 
> Now that _that's_ over with... my normal farewell. 
> 
> Find me on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/betheflame1) or [Tumblr](http://betheflame.tumblr.com) for more on these yahoos. You can also submit prompts and cajole me into writing faster - it usually works.


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